I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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