Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
