So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This house was built for laser tag.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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