Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
