Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
