She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
