my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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