I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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