I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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