When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Sorry about my life...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
