My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize