You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
