I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
