My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
