Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
