i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
