phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
