The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
