It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
