I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Vodka?
Forever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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