you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Ladies don't puke and tell
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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