thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
