Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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