Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
