fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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