Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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