when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
