And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
