Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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