I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
