im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
