Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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