my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
