when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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