This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
