So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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