"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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