The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
