I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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