My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
