I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
