Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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