He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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