I'm jealous of your bromance
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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