It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
