You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
