I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
