...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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