weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
