I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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