funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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