Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Damn victory sex feels great
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
