She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
