dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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