K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
