OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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