something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
