Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
