I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
