You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
