She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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