I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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